The phrase “that’s just the way I am” does not hold water. I guess it is true when we are talking about things like eye color, stature, skin tone, and things of that nature; but it is certainly not true when it comes to behaviors that are abrasive to ourselves and to others.
At 67, I wish I could say that I have it all figured out and that I have graduated in life skills, but I guess that graduation will only happen upon my earthly death. For now, I keep on learning lessons and seeing ways that I need to adapt and grow and change. Using the excuse “that is just the way I am” may be a great excuse, but it is not a tactic for a good and peaceful life.
Lately, I have been asking God to reveal to me the areas of my life that need changing, and some that just need to go. No adapting necessary, just let it go and replace it with better, more loving, more adaptable skills. When I ask God, or the universe, whatever be your way, I find that I am given so many opportunities to practice those skills. I would rather it be like the old show Bewitched, where she twinkles her nose and it appears.
The only way I can change, or know where I need to change, is when I bump up against something that causes me discomfort or pain. I can run from it, which I often do. I can ignore it, as I often do. Or I can, one day at a time, acknowledge it, work on it, pray through it, and practice it.
If I have, or you have, something that keeps appearing in your life and it is causing disruption and pain to those around you, you can believe it is just who you are, or you can seek help, guidance, and promptly change it for the better. My husband was the absolute best at this. I have said this before, but I think it is the best evidence of becoming more Christlike, or more loving, that I know of.
Hugh said and believed that in dealing with other humans, whom he called God’s kids, “No one should ever be worse off for knowing me or feel unseen or unloved after being in my presence.” For me, I believe we never have an excuse to belittle, ridicule, make fun of, hurt, or snap at other humans. Do we? Of course we do. But when we are trying to make these changes in our lives, when we are wrong, we promptly admit it. No excuses. No blame. Just ultimate responsibility.
I am still working on this, and I will wrap it up with a story about a time when I did not do something right and I paid the consequences. I pointed out something that probably did need to be pointed out, but it was the manner in which I did it that caused the harm. I did not take into account that this person may not have known my heart. I did not take into account that we may not have already had a trust factor in place. I also did not take into account where that person was in his or her life, or how my words might impact them.
The weight of our words is so powerful. It matters how we say them. It matters what tone we use. It matters what our intention is, but intention alone is not enough. If our intention is right, but our tone and manner are wrong, then the weight of our words can become crippling instead of helpful. They can miss the mark completely and not be effective for loving and kind communication.
While I cannot rectify it or bring that moment back, I can dissect the situation and see what my part in it was. It is not incumbent upon me to find the other person’s part. The only part I can change is mine. And with God’s help, I will learn a valuable lesson that may not help yesterday, but it will certainly help tomorrow.
Great gratitude and grace,
Karen Key Smith
