What in the world was I thinking? The whole thing was about getting other people to think somebody thought something of me!
I was not particularly considered a catch in the elementary school boyfriend-girlfriend scenario. So, I resorted to trading my cafeteria carton of milk with a fellow so that I could wear his ID bracelet and people would think I had a boyfriend. Now, it is important to note that I don’t like milk at all, so the trade was super lopsided. I was giving up something I had absolutely no use for, and he was giving up something of value to him. I thought it was a pretty good deal!
Back in the dark ages of my youth, the ID bracelet was a symbol of belonging. The cute girls, not me, and the popular girls, also not me, were just darling sporting their boyfriends’ ID bracelets. It was practically a badge of honor, and I wanted one of those bracelets in the worst way.
I saw my chance in the Hillcrest cafeteria. Mike Lee was, in fact, if my memory serves me correctly, a preacher’s kid. I thought that alone might make him somewhat compassionate to my plight. Apparently, he thought better of his decision once his tummy was full. Before I even had a chance to show off my newly acquired bracelet and prove that I, too, finally had a boyfriend, he asked for it back. My glee was short-lived.
I remember another ID bracelet saga, and I won’t mention his name since he is happily married, and I certainly don’t want to rock the boat! But as I remember it, he was a neighbor who was probably destined to be only a friend. His parents would have been less than satisfied with his early choice of a girlfriend. I think it was mostly me, but anyway, we decided to do that going-steady thing you do in the fourth grade. Before the day was over, while the sun was still shining, he thought better of it. What if his parents asked him where his ID bracelet was? Surely he couldn’t tell them he had given it to the little girl with the Coke-bottle glasses across the street. Not her!!!
It is so funny, in a very human kind of way, the stories we carry from our youth. I don’t possess a particularly great memory of childhood, but those two stories have stayed with me. Now I mostly grin rather than grimace. I am sure back then I was embarrassed and maybe even a little ashamed. I knew I was not like the other girls. What I did know was that I was kind and compassionate. Not necessarily a looker, but I was kind. Unfortunately, kindness didn’t seem to carry nearly the same currency as an ID bracelet in elementary school. And apparently, I wasn’t considered worthy of wearing one on display.
Now comes the harder part of this story. When I married my starter husband, I am pretty sure his family wasn’t exactly tickled about me having an ID bracelet, a wedding ring, or any other symbol that connected me to their family. I was certainly not what they had been dreaming of! The fact that I already had a one-year-old baby might have really cinched it. Spoiler alert: They fell in love with my child, even if I had to be part of the package.
My starter husband’s family had a faith orientation that was very much opposed to babies before marriage, especially if said baby wasn’t from their family. Not only was I an unwed mother, but I was also a disaster of a housekeeper, with absolutely no cooking or domestic skills. Did I mention that I was kind? That particular skill would help me out later in life, but not so much here.
I didn’t fit in. I was right back in the Hillcrest cafeteria, negotiating my worth. Trying to figure out what I needed to give up, change, or become so that someone would think I belonged. I didn’t know my place. Not yet.
Today, I can laugh at my younger self, but I also wonder how many of us are still holding on to silly things and giving them far more value than they deserve. And sometimes those things aren’t silly at all. Sometimes they are old hurts, childhood embarrassments, or the belief that we must somehow earn our place in someone else’s life. I know that my starter husband’s family came from a different time and were operating from what they knew and believed. I can give them grace for that. I can also give that little girl in the cafeteria some grace. She was doing the best she knew how to do, too.
I am pretty good these days at not trading things to get someone to go steady with me or even to be my friend. But if I am not careful, I can still slip right back into that people-pleasing mentality and begin questioning who I am in comparison to others. It makes me wonder if I ever trade something of real value in myself just to fit in. Do I sometimes give up a little of who I am in exchange for someone else’s approval? I hope not, but I imagine that if I don’t stay on top of my praying, meditating, and gratitude lists, I could find myself right back at that cafeteria table.
The difference is that today I know something that little girl didn’t. My worth was never determined by whose bracelet I wore, who wanted to go steady with me, what family thought I measured up, or whether I was the prettiest girl in the room. I was already somebody. I just didn’t know it yet. And being kind? Well, as it turns out, that was worth a whole lot more than I ever imagined.
I still don’t like milk, and I wonder whatever happened to Mike Lee. He was kind and had a sweet smile. I wonder if he remembers that cafeteria transaction the way I do, or if it ever crossed his mind again. I imagine he simply enjoyed his milk and went on about his life. And here I am, all these years later, still getting something out of that trade.
So very grateful!!!
Karen Key Smith
Thought for the Day: What are you trading for the approval of others that was never theirs to give you in the first place? Your worth is not something you have to negotiate.
