You remember that book, The Body Keeps the Score. I think this is especially true with grief. I also think it is lodged in your bones as well as your spirit. My body knew the date before I did, and I felt it all over.
Eight years ago, you became totally spirit. Many of us, especially me, thought you were always more spirit than man. Today is the day, but for a reason I am not totally sure of, yesterday was tough. I could not sleep. Sadness was all over me. I also ate six ice cream sandwiches in lieu of nutritious food. More on that later.
Let’s talk about sadness and what a foreign concept it is for me. You may have heard of those children who have a disorder where, because they feel no pain, they must wear a helmet. They don’t feel pain, so they have no warning that something may really hurt them, especially with head trauma. I feel that way in the area of tiredness and sadness. All of our emotions are important, and I guess they serve as a warning or a signal that something is off, or maybe, just maybe, rest and nourishment are required.
I was laughing with a friend the other day that if I feel tired, which you will remember rarely happens, when it does, I think I am dying. I wonder what illness or malady I have, and I try to remind myself that normal humans get tired and normal humans get sad. I really still don’t know how to acknowledge sadness. It does not feel comfortable, so I just ignore it. I am pretty sure that is not the healthiest tactic.
I think the reason that yesterday was tougher than today feels is because that was the day we were waiting for you to go. As you said, someone was coming to get you, and you were absolutely sure it was going to be on the full moon. You were right. The full moon always makes me think of you, as so many other things do, like reading a good book, seeing someone celebrate another sober birthday, and seeing people be compassionate toward those who are not like them.
These are a few things that I learned from you: I learned to be extremely forgiving to people who, because of their upbringing, are not kind or even do things that we think are unacceptable. Now mind you, I don’t have to participate, but I can certainly give them an extra measure of grace. I think my absolute favorite thing about you is how you treated me in our home, behind closed doors, when no one was watching. I loved that you knelt beside the bed to thank Dad for another day and to ask Him for you to be of ultimate service to your fellow man.
I was always so surprised when you told me that you were a completely different person before you got sober. You said you were not kind and quite the A-hole. I cannot even imagine that. I only got the sober and more evolved and recovered you. I got the you that believed when you were wrong that you promptly admitted it. The you that believed that no one should be worse off for knowing you. I got the you who would take a call at any time to speak to someone who was hurting and in need of the hope of recovery.
I think we all are recovering from something, and my prayer is that in whatever I do, I make life a little lighter for my fellow traveler. You loved that about me. You loved that even though I did not understand sadness too well, I certainly felt a level of joy that was many times uncontainable. You thought that was adorable. But you did point out to me that recovery was not just for the one with the disease, but for the family and loved ones too.
You pointed out to me that, as a codependent growing up and living with drug addiction and alcoholism, I had developed certain coping mechanisms. The good news is that many of them lead to success, but many of them are coping skills that are no longer skills and need to be reckoned with. I am sure that you can see from your heaven view which ones I am still dealing with.
So the point of this love note? I am not really sure, other than to note that, as the song says, God is still working on me!!! I wanted to thank you for the absolute best years of my life with you. I am not usually too sad about you going, but my spirit misses you, even though the spirit of you really has not gone anywhere.
You would love to know that when I went to an AA celebration the other day, so many of them spoke of you and how you changed their lives. I can certainly understand that, as my life will never be the same because of you. I am not saying that in a deeply sad way, but in a way of celebrating that I had so many years with you.
I will say that raising the kids without you has been tough, but many sweet villagers have jumped in to help. I did finally finish my first book and am working on the next one. I am still plagued with self-doubt, but I guess that means I am stretching and doing more than I can do in my own power. I will take a play out of your playbook and hit my knees and ask Dad to show me what’s next.
Even though I have been sad the last few days, joy is peeking through because I know that God has much more for me to do. I take peace in knowing that you were a gift and continue to be a gift to me and to all of those who were touched by your spirit.
Oh, one more thing. Someone called me “sweet angel” the other day at my book launch. I know 100 percent that it was a little love gift from you!!!
Joyfully yours,
Karen
P.S. And about the food thing, I have lost 50 pounds and have worked in crazy fashion to become fit and healthy since I really like this living thing. I do regret that I did not do it earlier while you were alive. I got so wrapped up in building a business and taking care of others that I forgot to take care of me. In that is a whole new story for a later time.
Karen,
I loved reading this.
Ron