Lights Off. Faith on.

I walked into the gym and music was playing—the kind of music that instantly transported me back in time. It was from the very era when I was a teacher at Surfside, and before I even reached my seat, a lump formed in my throat.

As I usually do, I pushed it down. This is not the time or place, I told myself—crying in public was definitely not on the agenda today.

I have these unofficial crying rules:

1. I don’t cry over sad things, especially if they have to do with me.
   
2. I only cry over happy things and injustice for others.
   
3. I’m tough. I’ve already recovered from all the things.
   

(I never said they were smart rules—it’s just how I’ve learned to keep going and keep showing up.)

There is a book called The Body Keeps Score and stored in our amazing bodies are all the things of trauma and discord and the good things too.  I supposed what is stored will find its way out when triggered. I guess this even applies to a Happy Ass like me.

I am not sure If I will even let this note see the light of day but I wanted to share why walking down the halls of surfside impacted me so greatly today.

I was a teacher at surfside and while I was there I ended up with a surprise Divorce which is way less fun than a surprise party.  When this happened we were already struggling financially. It bears repeating that to this day when I walk into my house and the lights are off, my heart catches for just a moment and I remember that I am no longer back there.  My water got turned off repeatedly and to turn on your power it was a trek across the bridge with my 500 dollar car that I prayed would make it. Many times it did not!!!!  

I was striving to become who I knew I could be, I was educated, had a great attitude in spite of it all and I was in love with teaching kids that needed me in the Special Education arena.  But I struggled.  I was grateful when a 100 dollar bill appeared in my mail box from a kind person who knew I was in need. Groceries appeared on my door step and Christmas gifts showed up because of the kind teachers at Surfside Middle School  and lovely angels from my church.  When my hot water heater went out and we did without for a few weeks, precious teachers at Surfside took up a collection and bought us one. I had a really sweet friend back then that allowed us to sleep at her home when the power was out for days at a time.

I found out I had a knack for selling Mary Kay cosmetics out of the back of my 500 dollar car!!!!  I tutored kids after school and worked in restaurants and slung jet skis on the beach.  I laughed with others and said I would do anything that was legal and moral for a buck.  

Working all the time had family consequences and this is when Sheldon was the biggest victim of latch key kids. He started his life of drugs at such a young age, I don’t want to share it.  It was our first time learning about teen court and visits to jail cells as an attempt to scare him. Needless to say none of that worked.  

God sent an Angel to me amongst all the other kind humans that were put in my life. Hugh and I started a friendship that as you know ended up as the best part of my life.  He became my biggest cheerleader and reminded me just like my mama that I could do anything. Hugh loved my happy energy and unbridled belief that if I worked hard, prayed harder and loved bigger, that life would work out.    He continued to cheer me along with all the other kind people at Surfside when I had a brain disorder that required brain surgery and lots of recovery.  

So many things happened to me and for me at this school and at this time in my life. I was supposed to be the teacher and I was but I learned so much about compassion, tenacity, resilience and the presence of angels all around me just when I needed them. 

When my starter husband (that term helps lighten its impact)  left I was devastated and felt like my world had ended.  I was embarrassed, scared and struggled to figure out how to do it all.  One very precious lady, Vicki Hoffman McMicheal grabbed me by the hand and took me into the bathroom and prayed with me and cried with me.  Shortly after, I felt a peace that passed all understanding and I remembered who I was and I remembered all those books I read sitting on my bed. I remembered all the prayers and all the affirmations I had written as a child. I remembered that no matter how I felt right now there was a better day coming.  

And a better day did come and it continues to come. I am so very grateful for all of it. I imagine if I gave up any of it I would not have experienced all the love and kindness that I have been privileged to enjoy in this life.  I have seen the absolute BEST in humanity. I have experienced more love than any one human being can experience.  

I was thankful to be hit with all those memories today even if It meant I would break all 3 of my crying rules today.  I am thankful that God has led me here to all of you. I am thankful that I can be vulnerable and honest and go back to a time when I had nothing and EVERYTHING. I had everything because God put all the right people at just the right time in my life. I have no doubt that he will continue to do that.  I trust that whatever  you are going through, God will do it for  you as well.

Loving you all and thankful for it all,

Karen Key Smith

Ps. I know this is not my typical love note but I felt like perhaps there may be someone who could benefit from it. That is the whole point anyway, taking all of our struggles so that others know that they can do it too, especially with faith and many angels along the way!!!

pss. First of all I love a good Ps and Pss, the picture above is me when I taught at Surfside Middle School all those years ago. I also ran into some of my old students today.